Holes
I thought making a sock puppet would be a good way to repurpose a sock that my big toe had worn a hole straight through. But actually, the hole has just been transformed into what looks like a gaping hole in the sock puppet’s face. A terrible disruption to its otherwise charming physiognomy, the hole makes it look like my sock puppet had a steel gauge go through its head right above its pipe cleaner eyebrow.
I started taking my sock to the local library where I volunteer, doing educational puppet shows for the community children about the dangers of not brushing your teeth. At first, I tried not to acknowledge the hole in the socks head, but each time, the neighborhood children would raise their hands and ask me why it looked like my puppet had a steel gauge go through its head. These kids all thought it was a warning. They thought I was warning them. These kids all thought that if they didn’t brush their teeth they’d end up with a steel gauge through their heads too.
The local library brought me in because they had been using one of those women with a hole in her neck from smoking too much, but they thought she talked too much about the dangers of smoking and not enough about the dangers of not brushing. That wasn’t her job. Plus, all of the kids thought the hole looked sick and started smoking too.
Every puppet show I did for a while, I had no choice but to bring up Phineas Gage. The kids would ask me if I knew anyone who actually had a steel gauge go through their head and he’s the only non-sock person I know of who actually had a steel gauge go through his head. So I’d say him. The kids thought I was a joke. Why would they brush their teeth if the guy that I’m using as an example of what will happen to you if you don’t brush your teeth is literally famous for getting a big hole in his head and surviving?
I stopped using Phineas Gauge as an example and instead I discovered this dead guy named Don Dobson who actually died when a steel gauge went through his head. I pretend the puppet is him and I just make my hand go limp to indicate that the puppet is dead.
I think the Don Dobson stuff is working. I’ve scared them straight. All the kids are brushing their teeth now. While they do it, they smoke through their noses and spit the toothpaste out through the cool new holes in their necks.
I went to a talk by someone who was writing a book or something on “hole studies” and said they’ve engaged with every piece of media that they could come across related to holes. Now that this piece is out, this person may have to redraft. If you know who I’m talking about and know them please let them know. Thanks, Gableburger.